{"id":258,"date":"2009-01-20T10:27:32","date_gmt":"2009-01-20T18:27:32","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.timdefenderoftheearth.com\/news\/?p=258"},"modified":"2009-01-20T10:27:32","modified_gmt":"2009-01-20T18:27:32","slug":"gah-ive-been","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.timdefenderoftheearth.com\/news\/?p=258","title":{"rendered":"GAH! I’ve been…"},"content":{"rendered":"

…TRAPPED BY MONSTERS!<\/a><\/strong><\/p>\n

I’m posting this from a dark, dank, evil-smelling cavern where myself and seven other authors are currently being held prisoner, kidnapped by the very monsters upon whom we all depend for our storytelling livelihoods. Brutally, our guards only allow us access to the internet for a few minutes at a time(!!!) so here – with a quick extra line or two at the end – is a transcript of what I just posted on the blog over there:<\/p>\n

I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not sure what scares me most right now: the monsters or, frankly, my fellow captive authors. The way certain of my colleagues here are already slipping into classic hostage behaviour is starting to worry me. Fraternizing with our jailers is one thing (\u00e2\u20ac\u009dleg stroking<\/a>\u00e2\u20ac\u009d indeed!) but turning on each other<\/a>? Mark, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m astonished. [And given his knife-throwing prowess and Tae Kwon Do expertise<\/a>, I’m, ahem, also somewhat alarmed<\/strong>.]<\/p>\n

Well. We may be stuck here in a reeking cave full of ravening beasts who will rend us limb from limb soon as look at us (that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s the monsters I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m talking about there, not the authors). We may, even worse, be short of loo roll (AARGH!!) But I, for one, will\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6<\/p>\n

\"keepcalm\"<\/p>\n

To that end here are some more thrilling books from Jack\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Stack<\/a>.<\/p>\n

FOOL MOON and GRAVE PERIL, by Jim Butcher<\/strong>. These are the second and third books from Mr Butcher\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s brilliant Dresden Files<\/strong> series, concerning hardbitten Chicago private eye wizard Harry Dresden. Yep, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153private eye wizard\u00e2\u20ac\u009d, that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s what I said: as well as crime, the police, the Mafia and the media, Harry Dresden\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s mean streets also contain evil magicians, ghosts, demons, werewolves, vampires and all sorts of other supernatural goodies. If that combination sounds like your bag – and it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s certainly mine – then give STORM FRONT<\/strong>, the first of the series, a go. These books are so much fun that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m having to ration them to myself so I don\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t munch straight through \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcem all at once, Honey Monster style. \":)\"<\/p>\n

THE GRAVEYARD BOOK, by Neil Gaiman.<\/strong> I wanted not to like this book. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not proud of that. It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s just that Mr Gaiman is at the top of his game, his previous books are brilliant and sell by the shedload, and everyone loves him. Me, I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m standing at the foot of this \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcbeing a published author\u00e2\u20ac\u2122 mountain, gulping a lot, and I need hope. I wanted signs that the dizzy heights aren\u00e2\u20ac\u2122t impossible. I wanted flaws. I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m all the more ashamed, then, when I tell you that THE GRAVEYARD BOOK<\/strong> is, in fact, the finest book for young people that I read in the whole of last year (the nearest competitor was LITTLE BROTHER by Cory Doctorow<\/strong> fyi) and it will probably end up being one of my favourite books ever. THE GRAVEYARD BOOK <\/strong>is tender when it needs to be tender; it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s got monsters and darkness when there needs to be monsters and darkness (which is often, for me!) It\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s fast, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s smart, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s touching, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s beautifully written, it\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s enormous fun and once you close the book it lingers in the mind, possibly forever. -Curses! ;p<\/p>\n

To judge from what I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve found on the cave shelves so far (misery memoirs, celeb biogs and – yuck – so many \/pony books\/!!) these monsters need all the pointers to fine reading they can get, so there\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ll be more from Jack\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s Stack shortly. For further suggestions in the mean time, check my LibraryThing profile<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Before I pass the mic, I just want to address Mark\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s laughable accusation that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m an imposter. If I understand this right, Mark would have you believe that what I said in my blog<\/a> is true: that I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122m not actually Sam Enthoven<\/strong><\/a>, but am in fact the ugnacious Jagmat Wrelkmink<\/strong><\/a>, Emperor of Hell. Unhappy with the way that I, sorry, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153he\u00e2\u20ac\u009d was portrayed in the Enthoven\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s, sorry, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153my\u00e2\u20ac\u009d book The Black Tattoo<\/strong><\/a>, I came from Hell to London, killed the Enthoven, and then, being a shapeshifter, I assumed his, um, I mean, \u00e2\u20ac\u0153my\u00e2\u20ac\u009d identity. Ever since then, while posing as an author I\u00e2\u20ac\u2122ve been secretly preying on, sorry, I mean \u00e2\u20ac\u0153learning as much as possible about\u00e2\u20ac\u009d the human race. Or so Mark says.<\/p>\n

Preposterous.<\/p>\n

I would like to make it clear to my fellow authors here in the cave (and anyone else reading this) that I am \/absolutely not\/ a repulsive, shapeshifting, blancmange-like demon who belches all the time. You are all PERFECTLY SAFE FROM ME, I assure you, and there is no chance whatsoever that at any moment you may find yourself reduced to your constituent proteins as I envelop and consume you in a seething tide of hot pink digestive juices. So I hope that\u00e2\u20ac\u2122s that cleared up. URP. \u00e2\u20ac\u02dcScuse me. \";)\"<\/p>\n

…Work on draft two of Phase Three<\/strong> continues apace, albeit by the sepulchral flicker of the disgusting earwax candles<\/strong> that are the only illumination our monstrous gaolers have permitted me. My eyes hurt all the time. And the smell! Strewth! Hope you’re having a better January than me.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

…TRAPPED BY MONSTERS! I’m posting this from a dark, dank, evil-smelling cavern where myself and seven other authors are currently being held prisoner, kidnapped by the very monsters upon whom we all depend for our storytelling livelihoods. Brutally, our guards only allow us access to the internet for a few minutes at a time(!!!) so […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[4,12,6],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.timdefenderoftheearth.com\/news\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/258"}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.timdefenderoftheearth.com\/news\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.timdefenderoftheearth.com\/news\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.timdefenderoftheearth.com\/news\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.timdefenderoftheearth.com\/news\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=258"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/www.timdefenderoftheearth.com\/news\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/258\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/www.timdefenderoftheearth.com\/news\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=258"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.timdefenderoftheearth.com\/news\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=258"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/www.timdefenderoftheearth.com\/news\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=258"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}